Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Carelss Talk Costs Money
Drivers face tough new laws today whilst driving. If caught using a mobile phone they will be fined £60 and given 3 points on their licence, whilst eating a Mars Bar will cost £50 and 6 points. Chewing gum could land motorists with a six month prison sentence while picking your nose or driving with one hand on the gear stick could mean 2 years in prison and a ban from driving for up to 10 years. Smoking crack at the wheel, however, has been downgraded to a ticking off.
Labels: crack, driving, fines, mobile phones, volvo
Monday, February 26, 2007
Oscars for King and Queen
Helen Mirren has downplayed her Oscar winning portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II by saying that it was the Queen people fell in love with and not her acting. Forest Whitaker was also very humble after winning the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. 'I think people fell in love with Idi Amin,' said Forest in an interview after the ceremony, 'I could only portray the murderous dictator as best I could but I think the spirit of the insane, paranoid but ultimately lovable Amin shone through. I think anyone who was touched by his years in power will understand that.'
Labels: Forest Whitaker, Helen Mirren, Idi Amin, insane, lovable, The Queen
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Eubank Cleans Up Government
Well dressed comedy boxer Chris Eubank has been arrested in Westminster after protesting against news that his son, Prince Harry, is being sent to Iraq to be shot. Eubank, who invented the pushable cleaning aid, drove a tank over the Houses of Parliament before shooting a 'peace missile' at Big Ben. He was ordered to pay six million pounds to repair the clock and a thirty pound parking fine.
Labels: Chris Eubank, household chore, iraq, Prince Harry
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Cult Cop in Britney Cult Cop Show Cult
Photographs of Britney Spears with a shaved head have prompted concerns that she may have fallen victim to the Cult of the Bald cult. The cult, started in the 1970s by cult bald TV cop star Telly Savalas, who played bald cop Kojak in the cult television programme Kojak, has Moby, Michael Stipe from REM, Garry Glitter and Gail Porter as members. It's rumoured that Tom Cruise and some members of the Royal Family are also members, but wear wigs.
Labels: bald, Britney Spears, celebrity, coot, cult, Kojak, wigs
Saturday, February 17, 2007
No Holidays For The Poor
The government took another step further in preventing poor people from leaving the country by announcing that all passport applications had to be made in person at centres around the country. It is expected that the decision will leave several thousand underprivileged persons without the means to afford a passport and comes after a raise in airport duty on cheap airlines. A Home Office spokesman defended the new laws by saying 'There are a growing number of working class and ill-educated people visiting foreign destinations previously frequented only by the middle and upper classes. Quite frankly we don't want chavs and pikeys messing up our favourite towns and beaches with their burger wrappers and loud dance music'.
Labels: beaches, fish and chips, holiday, passport, poor
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Suffer Little Children
The UK has been accused of failing its children after a UNICEF report put it 21st out of 21 developed countries for 'child well-being'. Poverty, diet, behaviour, drug taking, Connect Four, Twister, hide and seek and British Bulldogs were amongst the indicators that Britain failed on. UNICEF UK director David Bull said the report highlighted the fact that years of cheap cider, dodgy kebabs and smoking behind the bike sheds had taken their toll. Welfare reform minister Jim Murphy said the study failed to show the positive side of British youngsters: 'Children in Britain are far better at hanging around street corners, listening to tinny music on mobiles and shouting at passers by than any other country. They can also consume huge amounts of Red Bull and chips and shout louder than any children I've heard abroad. They are also key to stopping anyone wanting to come here in the future'
Labels: children, chips, cider, drunk, mobile phones, snogging, UNICEF
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Chocolate Eggs and Nuts
Thousands of chocolate Easter eggs have been recalled after nut allergy fears at Cadbury's chocolate egg making factory. The eggs, which are produced by genetically engineered chocolate turkeys, may have been contaminated with nuts after the birds, themselves allergic to nuts, began to die at alarming rates. It is believed that imported chocolate turkeys bred on nuts in Hungary may be to blame. Most have now been melted down into Freddo chocolate bars.
Labels: cadbury, chocolate, contamination, Easter, Hungary, nuts, turkey
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Less Than Expected Snow Fall Brings Dissatisfaction Among British Workers
Britain woke to a feeling of slight disappointment today as thousands braved the less than treacherous conditions to make their journeys to work as normal. Fearing the worst, following overly dramatic predictions of extreme weather by TV weather broadcasters, many people had looked forward to being 'snowed in' or 'unable to travel' due to snow and ice. However, as the threat diminished, by nine o'clock most staff were at work. 'What makes it all the worst is that I expected to be at home or outside throwing snowballs,' said one unhappy employee, 'But instead, I'm in here checking my emails and doing spreadsheets. God, I hate this job.'
Labels: over reaction, sledge, snow, work
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Apple Apple Double Fantasy
Apple Inc, the owners of iPod and iTunes, and Apple Records, home of The Beatles, have ended their long running feud over who should release Double Fantasy as a download, the album that famously has good tracks by John Lennon and unlistenable ones Yoko Ono. It had been Apple Inc's intention to release only John Lennon's half of the album, stating that, 'No one wanted to listen to that screeching harpy in the first place. At least now people can download the tracks they actually want instead of having to skip every other song.' Apple Records, however, under the guidance of Yoko Ono and the spirit of John Lennon, refused to let the album be released without her music and load wailing ruining it. 'John says he wants me to sing with him and let the people love,' said Yoko incoherently and under the misapprehension that she was in some way 'in touch' with the dead Beatle. George Harrison, who is also dead, said he was pleased the two companies had come to an agreement, 'whatever it was.'
Labels: apple inc, apple records, ipod, john lennon, noise, screaching, the beatles, unpleasant, yoko ono
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Turkey Shock in Suffolk
Vets in Suffolk are trying to understand how 160,000 turkeys came to be living at a Bernard Matthews farm near Lowestoft. They were alerted to the situation after an outbreak of bird flu, but were alarmed to find that almost all of the poultry was destined for human consumption. 'Like most people we assumed that Bernard Matthews turkey was some kind of horrible genetic experiment, grown in labs and marketed as meat. We were horrified that actual turkeys go into making something that looks and tastes nothing like turkey,' said a Health Protection Agency officer. 'They've obviously been very clever in hiding the fact that what they're selling is actual food.'
Labels: bernard matthews, bird flu, H5N1, meat, surprise, turkey
Friday, February 02, 2007
Man Blamed for Global Warming
A man in Northumberland has been blamed for most of the causes of global warming, creating irreversible climate change and the possible extinction of millions of species on the planet. Mr. Eric Stevens, a biscuit factory worker in South Shields, was responsible for almost 95% of carbon emissions in the past ten years according to the IPCC report published today. Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel of Climate Change, said today that it was 'very likely' that Mr. Stevens was more than likely the biggest contributor to climate change. 'We have unequivocal evidence from data collected from governments all around the globe that point directly to Mr. Stevens in Newscastleshire. I have ordered, for the sake of the planet, a UN task force to go round to the man's house and turn off all his lights,' announced Dr. Pachauri at a conference in Paris earlier. He added that, 'In order to prevent further gas emissions I have also ordered tins of beans and several packets of dried fruit to be destroyed.'
Labels: beans, biscuits, climate change, emissions, global warming, IPCC
