Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Irag Embraces Capatalism
The new Democratic Republic of Iraq announced its full intention as a Western-style capitalist state today by squandering millions of dollars meant for rebuilding on big cars and luxury swimming pools. 'We in Iraq want to show our appreciation of the Americans' destruction and destabilisation of our once proud and beautiful land by wasting vast sums of money on trivial items,' said the Iraqi Interior Minister earlier today.
Labels: america, capatalism, democracy, dollars, iraq, luxury swimming pool
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Casi-no for London
Bookies lost out as the 16-1 outsider Manchester Hero won the 11:15 race at Westminster. 4-1 favourite Millennium Dome and 6-1 Blackpool Bonanza were pipped at the last furlong following a close run race that encompassed Fleet Street, Television Centre and most of the North West. Cardiff Yakuza and Glasgow Gazumpa fell at the first hurdle and Sheffield Turnip was shot by stewards before the race began.
Labels: blackpool, casino, london, manchester, turnip
Monday, January 29, 2007
Car Crash Crushes Class Clash
BBC Two are planning several more near-fatal car crashes for Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond, following their ratings success over the final of Celebrity Big Brother. Hammond, who's 280mph crash was seen by 8.6 million voyeuristic viewers, 1.3 million more than the 7.3 million voyeuristic viewers who watched Shilpa Shetty scuttle her way out the Big Brother house, will face a weekly crash every eviction night during the next series of Big Brother.
Labels: car crash, celebrity big brother, richard hammond, voyeurism
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Gay? No Way!
The Church of England has joined forces with the Catholic Church in condemning plans to let gay couples adopt children. 'The Christian faith has been practicing blind bigotry for over two thousand years now and I see no reason to change,' said Dr Rowan Williams earlier, 'This culture of tolerance and forgiveness has got to stop now.'
Labels: adoption, biogtry, catholic, christian, church
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Award Award Award
Judges at the Academy Awards were accused of cheating today as they chose the same actress in three roles for the award of Best Actress. Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren and Dame Judi Dench, who are the same person at different points in her career, have all been nominated. If they win it will mean it is the first time one woman at three stages of her life has an Oscar. Confused critics have branded the nominations 'a sham' and called for the Academy to step down in favour of a public vote, like something off the X Factor or maybe Big Brother.
Labels: confused, Helen Mirren, Judi Dench, Kate Winslet, Oscar
Monday, January 22, 2007
US Troops Take Devonshire Oil
Parts of Devon have been completely destroyed by an American air strike as they attempt to seize control of oil leaking from the stricken container ship MSC Napoli near Branscombe beach. The oil, which is drifting close to Devon, is believed to hold the key to success in the War on Terror. Scavengers taking items from containers washed up on the beach have been caught in crossfire as American troops attempt to secure the Devonshire coast from an old man and his dog.
Labels: branscombe beach, devon, oil, war on terror
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Ministry Of Ministries
The Home Secretary John Reid has called for the Home Office to be split into four separate departments; The Ministry Of Love, The Ministry Of Truth, The Ministry Of Plenty and The Ministry Of Love. 'Each department,' said Mr. Reid, 'will be responsible for making sure none of the other departments succeed in their duties.' Asked where he got the idea, Mr. Reid said he thought he had 'read it in a book somewhere'.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Jade Sparks Chinese Action
China have entered the dispute over Celebrity Big Brother by firing a long-range missile at orbiting satellites in the hope of hitting Channel 4's broadcast satellite. So far they have only destroyed an old weather satellite but plan further strikes over the next few days. The US and other countries have expressed concern, but the Chinese government have denied it is their attempt to censor public broadcasting and have said it is in the interest of all countries to prevent further transmissions of Jade Goody.
Labels: celebrity big brother, channel4, china, jade
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Celebs Cause Class Clash Crash
As the furore continues unabated over claims of racial harassment inside the Celebrity Big Brother house, commentators are finding it increasingly difficult to say the phrase 'class clash'. Listeners to Five Live were astounded as a discussion programme dedicated to the issue turned into half and hour of gibberish as each presenter tried in vein to say the phrase. Lanky-haired presenter Russel Brand eventually suffocated whilst trying to say 'class clash' live on air and Natasha Kaplinsky had to have her neck amputated as it threatened to implode during the Six O'clock News. Subsequent broadcasts replaced the phrase 'class clash' with 'cultural misunderstanding'.
Labels: celebrity big brother, channel4, jade, natasha kaplinsky, racism, russel brand, shilpa
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Jade Starts War
Efforts to avoid all out nuclear war between India and Britain intensified today as Jade Goody said live on Celebrity Big Brother that Indians were, 'a bit smelly' and , 'didn't wash their hands properly.' Jade, who is famous, insulted the Indian nation several times during the show, along with her housemates Jo O'Meara, who is also famous, and Danielle Lloyd, who is also famous too. Channel 4 has denied that the channel is racist and said that some of it's best friends were Asian and didn't think they minded 'cause it's only a bit of fun, isn't it?
Monday, January 15, 2007
Can't get Flu Out Of My Head
Ageing pint-size pop star, Kylie Minogue, has had to pull out of two concerts in Manchester after catching a bit of a cold. The singer, who already had a sniffle three days earlier, said her immune system was finding it difficult to cope with the indistinct yet grey and damp Manchester weather. Reports that Kylie might drop dead at any moment had been greatly exaggerated since her treatment for breast cancer last year.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Hoo-Ha About Who You Are?
Plans to hold a huge inaccurate database of the details of every man, woman and child in Britain have been unveiled today. The file-sharing system, which has been designed to cause paranoia in as many people as possible, whilst retaining false information and security flaws, could be up and running as soon as 2007. Critics believe it is another step towards a 'Big Brother' society, citing 'Big Brother' as how a 'Big Brother' society may develop. Whitehall say it will simply be another way in which to misidentify potential terrorists.
Friday, January 12, 2007
'Thank you, Nam'
Grammar has become the latest victim of the War on Terror. In an move inspired by George Bush's announcement of more than 20,000 extra troops to 'finish the job' in Iraq, journalists have begun calling the conflict 'Iraq-nam' after the long and ultimately failed war in Vietnam. Not all journalists are happy, however. 'We can't let all failed conflicts end with the suffix 'nam' as all scandals end with 'gate', no matter how ludicrous it sounds,' said one. Fears that terms like 'Afghanistan-nam' and 'Iran-nam' could become common place have caused journalists from around the globe to boycott any media organisation caught doing so.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
More Milk Malady
The world of milk was thrown into more confusion today as it emerged that a cow's mother was in fact a clone of it's own offspring. Confused scientists spent the day figuring out if the baby clone was any different to normal un-cloned cows. 'They all look the same to us,' said one scientist. Another was even less convinced. 'I'm surprised anyone could tell. I mean, look. It's a cow.' Representatives from the Tea Marketing Board have been meeting with the cow to assess whether its milk affected the beneficial aspects of drinking tea.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The Big Apple
Apple have announced their new multi-function media device, the iSore. 'It's enormous,' shouted Apple boss Steve Jobs to a packed conference, actually held inside the iSore. 'We were so sick of getting smaller and smaller we decided to try something new. The iPod shuffle was ridiculous. You could hardly see it. Now we've gone the other way.' Walking through the iSore, Jobs showed off areas for storage, such as a six metre high, shelved cupboard for your existing vinyl collection and a stack of transparent filing cabinets for paper documents. Through a pair of translucent sliding doors were extendable racks from which to hang photographs, illuminated by sixty high-energy light bulbs. But for the expectant crowd, Mr. Jobs saved the best for last - a bank of two hundred television sets which, explained Mr. Jobs, 'You can control from this one remote, the size of full-sized snooker table.'
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Got Milk?
The world of tea drinking was thrown into confusion today as scientists revealed that adding milk to tea could negate any benefits that drinking tea could create the benefits of drinking tea. Speaking at The World Tea Conference, professor Philip G. Tips said, 'There's no reason why anyone should give up drinking tea. Only do it without milk.' What effects eating breakfast cereals, specifically cornflakes, drenched in cold milk could have, the professor would not comment, adding, 'It's foolhardy of cereal companies to suggest cereals in milk as a way of consuming them when we are all aware of the harm it could do to the benefits of drinking tea.' Mr. E. Grey, leader of the House Of Teas, added, 'Serving suggestions on cereal boxes should be banned immediately.' A spokeswoman for Green Tea was more upbeat. 'Green tea should never be drunk with milk and is therefore a highly benficial way of drinking tea,' she said.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Skool's Out
Ex-Education Secretary Ruth Kelly has denied sending her son to a private school because of the lack of teaching quality in state education. 'I was learnt to write an' stuff at a thicky school and look at me. See. I've a house an' everyfin.' The current Education Secretary also commented, 'There's no reason for anyone not to give their children a state education. Unless they want them to succeed, of course. Besides, who needs to know stuff anyway? Look at Jade Goody'
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Bad Hanging
Tony Blair has joined Gordon Brown in condemning the way in which Saddam Hussein was hanged. 'I just don't think a democracy such as ours can condone the method of execution used against Saddam in Iraq,' said Mr. Blair today. 'Making the rope pink and fluffy and having Graham Norton presenting the hanging would have made it much more palatable to Western tastes.' Earlier, Gordon Brown had suggested a lottery-type programme fronted by Eamon Holmes.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Celebrity Escape
The head of Prison Services admits he does not know how many people escaped from the Big Brother compound last night. Phil Wheatly said there was no system in place to asses the effect on celebrity should inmates go missing and that he wasn't sure how many would be missed. In a further statement, Mr Wheatly acknowledged there had been flaws in the way celebrities have been dealt with in the past but urged the public to inform the police immediately if they see one and not to approach them directly.
Friday, January 05, 2007
New-ish Musical Express
Over 130 music critics and broadcasters have voted for their favourite artists of 2007. They include a singer who sounds like Freddie Mercury, a band that sound like U2 and a rapper who sounds like he might be from London. Asked what made these artists stand out from the rest, an industry spokesman said, 'There are a lot of people out there who want to hear music that sounds like something they've heard but is slightly different. By promoting these ten artists and giving them awards at the end of the year we can prove we were right.'
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Consumers Confused by Food
Two new food labelling schemes will fight it out on the shelves this year. The 'traffic light' system consists of four symbols: Green for go eat, Amber for prepare to eat, Red for stop eating and a yellow box for only eat if there is room to do so. The other scheme, favoured by unstoppable behemoths Tesco and Morrisons, consists of several colour-coded shapes such as purple for salt, blue for sugar, red for fat, pink for hummus, green for oranges, orange for green beans, beige for blueberry and dark grey for E147. The Food Standards Agency has criticised both schemes for being over complicated and unnecessary. 'Why bother with new labelling when we have our own perfectly good system of food recognition. An orangy-red square for food that tastes a bit like chicken, a purple and pink spotted triangle for anything that has beef in it, two men walking side by side in a car park for dehydrated ready-meals and a child playing swingball for cheese,' said a spokesman.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
End of Universe Halted
The end of the Universe was narrowly averted tonight as Jade Goody was shot seconds before entering the Celebrity Big Brother house. Jade, who became famous after appearing on Big Brother 3, was fatally wounded by lone gunman, scientist Eric Erikson. Asked what motivated the attack, Erikson explained, 'If Jade, who became a celebrity after being on a reality TV show, had entered another reality TV show as a celebrity it would have caused an unreality paradox and the end of all life as we know it.' It is still expected the animated corpse of Jade will enter the Big Brother house on Friday, along with James Brown.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Saddamed To Hang
A spate of 'Happy Hanging' has swept the nation following news that Saddam Hussein was filmed on a mobile phone when hanged last week. Teenagers have been found hanging each other then posting the clips on the internet. A spokesman for YouTube, the video sharing website that has hosted many of the videos, said it was unfortunate but that, 'The internet is beyond our control. We are in the hands of Gods.'
Monday, January 01, 2007
James Brown Not Getting Down
Thousands of fans, friends and celebrities were given a surprise concert by the late James Brown at his own funeral. The 'Godfather of Soul', who died on Christmas Day, got on up and got down with the mourners, who joined in with a rendition of 'Sex Machine' and 'Papa's Got A Brand New Bag'. Asked why he felt the need to rise from the grave, James Brown said, 'I'm the hardest working man in show business, dead or alive. Ain't nothin' gonna get in my way. Yeow!'
