Thursday, March 29, 2007
Reality Football
The BBC have announced their new reality TV show, Three Lions, in which eleven members of the public will be picked to take on the England football team. If they win they can represent their country in such competitions as the European Championship and the World Cup.
Labels: England, football, rubbish
Monday, March 26, 2007
A New Era of Misery in Irelend
History was made today in Ireland as the DUP and Sinn Fien agreed to share responsibility for looking dour and shouting during meetings and press conferences for the next 25 years. Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams, who have shouted and looked dour for over 30 years, said it was time for Ireland to usher in a new and unified era of shouting and looking dour. 'Too often have the two major political parties in this country been left on the sidelines when together they can shout louder and look dour in unity,' shouted Mr. Adams while looking dour.
Labels: dour, DUP, Gerry Adams, Ian Paisley, Ireland, shouting, Sinn Fein
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Indecent Budget Proposal
Chancellor Gordon Brown has shocked Westminster by announcing in his last budget before becoming Prime Minister that he is to legalise cannabis and hardcore pornography to pay for tax cuts and public spending. It's estimated that 10 billion pounds could be raised by the proposals. Tory leader David Cameron was left speechless as MPs rushed to buy grumble mags and roll-ups from the newsagents round the corner.
Labels: budget, cannabis, corner shop, Gordon Brown, money, porn
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Veiled Threat
Thousands of passports are being used by terrorists under pseudonyms according to a report by the Home Office today. It has warned that anyone 'travelling as Mohamed or Hussein or wearing a head dress should be seen as a danger to national security'.
Monday, March 19, 2007
'Aint No Time For Quitin'
George Bush has asked for a little more time to sort out Iraq. In a speech to mark four years since the 2003 invasion the President said it would take 'somewhere up to about a couple of weeks or years' to bring peace and stability to the region.
Labels: cock-up, George Bush, invasion, iraq
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Non-Government Revolt
Over a hundred opposition MPs have defected to the Labour party so they can resign from the government in protest at the controversial renewal of the Trident nuclear missile programme. 'Being a Tory backbencher, the only way I could defeat the government was by joining it then resigning from it,' said an ex-Labour ex-Tory MP.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Green Giants
Gordon Brown and David Cameron went head to head today in a fight over who was the most greenest. Arriving in a solar-powered wind cycle, Brown, wearing a tunic of leaves and moss, struck first with a slap of CO2 counter-emission initiatives. Cameron, driving a mud-powered car made from recycled toilet roles and wearing dirt, fought back with a fart tax on fat people. Not to be outdone, Gordon Brown then announced a series of measures designed to eliminate fossil fuels from the planet by 2010 and replace them with candy. In response, Cameron promised that under a Conservative government all feet would be made compulsory for walking on and that aeroplanes should be made from compost. The two men then continued with a bare-knuckle fight that has yet to finish.
Labels: Davide Cameon, emisson, fight, Gordon Brown, green, potartoes, potatoes
Monday, March 05, 2007
Premium Pounds Pound Public
ITV viewers are being asked to vote as to which premium phone line competition they want saved from cancellation by a forthcoming Ofcom investigation. Dancing on Ice, ITV Play, This Morning, Loose Women and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire will all face the public vote after complaints that viewers were being conned out of thousands of pounds on premium-rate phone-ins. ITV are expected to make over ten million pounds from the vote. Phone lines close Tuesday at 8.00pm.
Labels: con, ITV, money, public, votes
Sunday, March 04, 2007
News Round-Up
Thousands of motorists were left stranded as a contaminated supply of petrol caused engines to stop in a precursor to some kind of Domesday scenario. The petrol, which cannot be named for legal reasons, somehow found its way into the supply of Tesco supermarkets that created panic amongst shoppers and garages who struggled to keep up with the demand of spare car parts. 'It's like the end of the world,' said one garage owner whilst another likened the situation as 'worse than Revelations'.
Thousands of computer users were left helpless as their internet connections were disrupted by the new Microsoft Windows Vista operating system. According to an industry expert, ISP's were unable to upgrade their software in time for the OS release. 'It's like some kind of apocalyptic end-of-the-world scenario,' he said.
A tornado ripped through Alabama, killing 20 people and creating millions of dollars worth of damage. 'It's like some kind of 'we're all going to die' type of disaster in which everyone suffers but human spirit somehow wins though' said a local resident.
Thousands of computer users were left helpless as their internet connections were disrupted by the new Microsoft Windows Vista operating system. According to an industry expert, ISP's were unable to upgrade their software in time for the OS release. 'It's like some kind of apocalyptic end-of-the-world scenario,' he said.
A tornado ripped through Alabama, killing 20 people and creating millions of dollars worth of damage. 'It's like some kind of 'we're all going to die' type of disaster in which everyone suffers but human spirit somehow wins though' said a local resident.
Labels: apocalypse, car parts, internet, petrol, revelations, Tesco
